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Nicely done. The first paragraph sets the story up, but I wonder if it's needed. The first four lines of dialog accomplish the same except for the fact the MC is dead. As I'm typing this, I'm reminded of the Sixth Sense where it's not revealed until the end that Bruce Willis's character is...

Your story reads smoothly and sets up well. I think you could drop the realtor. His part just ins't that big. Especially in flash, you need to trim out as much as you can. I also realize this is an early draft. She answered the phone before she removed it from her pocket? Why did she shudder...

Nicely done. The only thing I didn’t care for were the “Loud Footsteps,” POW!, POW!, but that may just be me.

I wonder if you need “I wanted to serve my country and help others.” You show that in the previous paragraph. Start with paragraph two? Where's the tension? How many in the Delta Group? Only rescue women and children? “Men fighting for their lives, begging us to make room for them. My heart...

This is an interesting piece. The reunion seems like the perfect situation. The characters are believable. The opening ten (or so) paragraphs are all background. I'd cut them all and start with Toni sitting down at the bar and ordering her favorite drink. Perhaps, to show her nervousness, she...